


never coming down (with your hand in mine)

by tagchansol



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Short Chapters, gay chicken with gay intentions, hoshi likes cursing in his head when he has Lots of Feelings, jihoon likes taking care of soonyoung, jun and hoshi like to engage in tiny mini catfights as fellow felines do, liberal use of terms of endearment, okay here goes the tags, soonhoon in the gym, soonyoung is really oblivious and yet so self-aware, soonyoung likes being taken care of and doesn't even notice it, this is literally designed to be the fluffiest thing i've ever written
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:20:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29013465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tagchansol/pseuds/tagchansol
Summary: It turns out, Soonyoung has always known what he wants, it just takes him some time to figure it out.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 13
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Det's](https://twitter.com/sonofsunandsky) birthday!
> 
> Title is from Louis Tomlinson's _We Made It_.
> 
> — [playlist](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLkdu8MlsooaJXBIzEoIv4B5vENleNFnzY)

Soonyoung likes waking up feeling comfortable—but then again, who does not? Who can say no to waking up feeling the warmth of the sun caressing your face, with the soft futon on your back and equally soft duvet embracing you?

He snuggles his face against Jihoon’s shoulder and feels content.

“I can tell you’re awake, sleepyhead,” Jihoon _groans_ , because of course he’s determined to ruin Soonyoung’s very comfortable wake up moment. “We got to get up. We’re expected in the gym at six.”

Soonyoung closes his eyes harder, as if that will support the lie he’s about to spout: “m not.”

Jihoon lets himself have his moment this time, turning on his side to wrap his arm on Soonyoung’s shoulder. “Five minutes.”

Soonyoung smiles.

Soonyoung has his head on Jihoon’s thick thighs. It’s just the two of them, so Soonyoung allows himself to turn and cuddle closer to Jihoon’s stomach while he feels his thigh under his cheek. He absolutely loathes the odd hours that Jihoon picks to work out—Soonyoung’s been telling him that the perfect time to exercise is in the late afternoon. It makes no sense to wake up at two or at six am just to run yourself ragged.

Anyway, he hates working out, but he loves seeing and feeling the benefit of it on Jihoon’s body.

“Babe,” he murmurs on Jihoon’s thigh while he shifts to find a more comfortable position, “let’s change the movie; Black Panther is making me sad right now. Isn’t it too soon to watch this?”

Jihoon hums and places his hand on Soonyoung’s head, patting it softly before carding his deft fingers in Soonyoung’s hair.

Jihoon rarely allows blatant display of affection when their friends are over, so Soonyoung is savoring this moment as much as he can. He will also milk it for all its worth; he grins as he listened to the steady beat of Jihoon’s heart.

His hair is still being softly played with while Jihoon and their friends chat in the background. He thinks they were playing a gaming console earlier, but then it’s right now, and right now means Soonyoung is allowed to lay on top of Jihoon on the couch of their apartment’s living room. Jihoon rubs the top of his back gently, as if he wants to comfort Soonyoung after a tiring day.

“Soonyoung hyung really think he’s a cat, isn’t he?” he hears Seokmin snicker under his breath. He doesn’t bother opening his eyes as he nuzzles against Jihoon’s chest.

“’m a tiger, Seokmin. Get your facts straight.”

“Right.” He feels two gentle pats on his head before the calm strokes on his hair resume. “Go and take your nap, tiger.”

“You should really try to grow a beard, babe.” Soonyoung goes back to tickling Jihoon’s chin as if the other did not just slap his hand away. “I think it’ll look very sexy on you.”

Jihoon throws him one measly glare before adjusting the controls on his soundboard, as if Soonyoung’s suggestion doesn’t even deserve the efforts of a full glare. Soonyoung is known to be stubborn though. He wiggles his legs currently plumped on top of Jihoon’s thighs so his designated chair with the wheelies can roll closer to the other. He throws his other arm around Jihoon’s shoulder, so he’s basically clinging to him in a hug.

“You know annoying me like this won’t get you everything you want, right?” Jihoon looks at him with an exasperated expression.

He makes a face like he’s thinking about it. “Won’t it, though?”

Soonyoung just grins like the winner that he is when Jihoon doesn’t shave the next morning.

“I made you your favorite for breakfast!” Soonyoung announces as he lifts the thermal food cover from the breakfast he prepared painstakingly earlier. He watches as Jihoon rounds the table while scratching his stomach ( _damn_ , those _abs_ ) and looking at the food confusedly.

“When did I decide that omurice is my favorite?” he asks. He lets out a yawn just as he sits down on the seat beside Soonyoung.

Soonyoung wastes no time serving him sides and the omurice. “You didn’t! I decided that it’s gonna be your favorite once you try the omurice that _I_ prepared for you!”

Jihoon looks at him like he’s a little crazy—which is nothing new, since that’s how he always looks at Soonyoung—and shakes his head, laughing a little. He keeps a soft smile on his lips as he lets Soonyoung feed him a spoonful of their breakfast.

He chews a little, nodding his head. “You’re right. Omurice is my favorite.”

Soonyoung leans in to place a tender kiss right on Jihoon’s lips. Before this moment, Soonyoung has felt like a sheer curtain was draped on the surface of his every experience. But this single time in the space of kissing Jihoon lifts that curtain and let him savor this particular point with clarity.

“Time to get up!”

Soonyoung frowns, pulling away from Jihoon. He thinks he just heard Seungcheol’s voice, but that’s absurd. Why would their friend wake them up on a Saturday?

“Hey! I said wake up!” Jihoon says, but instead of his voice, it’s Seungcheol’s voice yelling at Soonyoung’s face.

“What?”

“If you’re still lying down when I come back here, I swear to god, Hoshi.”

Soonyoung whispers, “No.”

Jihoon starts speaking in his own voice again, “Wake up.”

And then Soonyoung opens his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung wakes up and feels weird about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2 because we reached 100 hits; I'm very easy!
> 
> There's a very brief discussion about Coups' struggle with anxiety in 2019, but nothing triggering so I won't be putting it in the tags. Let me know if you think I should, though. Thanks!

Soonyoung opens his eyes. He can feel the thundering beat of his heart. He can’t move, trying to process his surroundings. He’s at the dorm, he’s lying down in his bed. There’s a pillowcase zip poking his back.

He feels strange, as if there’s a thought his brain is trying to hold on to. He has no idea what it’s about, but it’s there. Like sand escaping from the spaces between his fingers.

Seungcheol storms in the bedroom and sees him still lying down, staring at the ceiling. Soonyoung turns to look at him with wide eyes while still trying to recall the memory he’s not sure he has.

“What’s up with you?” Seungcheol asks. The infuriated expression on his face changing to one of bemusement.

Soonyoung turns to look at his leader, already out of his sleepwear and has one arm inside his coat. “What,” he asks softly. He’s still trying to remember what it is he’s trying to remember.

A line forms in the middle of his leader’s brows. Seungcheol really has impressive brows. Soonyoung thinks it’s hardly fair that he himself barely has it.

“Man, are you actually not okay?” Seungcheol asks him, peering at him closer. He also looks about one second away from checking Soonyoung’s forehead for a fever.

Like a switch, Soonyoung suddenly remembers that yes, they have a schedule today for a photoshoot. Seventeen. He’s a member of the Korean pop band Seventeen, and they’re scheduled to be photographed in hundred different angles until the production team in charge decides that all thirteen members of their group all look equally dashing.

Right. It’s going to be a long day.

The photoshoot for Elle Magazine only took most of the morning, which means the group has the time to go back to their dorms, have their lunch, and dick around before they have to be dragged to their next appointment.

Everything feels normal enough, when Soonyoung thinks about it. And he is thinking about it, wondering why he woke up out of sorts and has been going about his day feeling like everything has been moved one inch to the left—everything looks the same but doesn’t feel quite right.

“Why do you keep following me?” Jihoon blurts out, it looks like. His face has this astounded vibe—wide eyes, lips frozen in the middle of a grin and a frown.

Soonyoung tries to come up with a reply that will _not_ show how much he doesn’t know why he keeps following Jihoon either. “Huh.”

Jihoon lets out a little chuckle before dropping his hands on both of Soonyoung’s shoulder. “Wait for me here while I use the bathroom, okay?” He grins when Soonyoung just looks at him, still thinking what the actual heck is happening to his brain. “Don’t get lost.”

Apparently, Jihoon is going to the bathroom to use the toilet when he noticed that Soonyoung is following him, which he’s been doing the whole morning. The photographer during the shoot had to ask a staff to basically drag him away from Jihoon more than once.

“Really?” he says, not quite believing whatever Jihoon is telling him about his behavior during the day so far. “I don’t remember that happening. Are you sure that was me?”

“Unless you suddenly have a twin, then I’m sure it’s you who’s been following me the whole morning.” Jihoon takes a long drag from his can of Coke.

Soonyoung absent-mindedly reaches for the can while he considers that. He must really be so out of it that he can’t even recall playing shadow. “To be honest,” he takes a timid sip and nudges the can back to Jihoon’s hand, “I feel kind of weird since I woke up.”

“You don’t say.”

“Don’t be a dick.”

Jihoon splutters, “I just let you drink from my own soda can! You call that me being a dick?”

“I didn’t drink your precious Coke!” Soonyoung insists out of habit; Jihoon never lets him drink from the same can. And then stops. “Holy shit, I did,” he says, in awe mostly because _wow Jihoon let him have some of his own soda?_ And also because he really didn’t think to do it, his hands must have a death wish if it’s deciding to steal Jihoon’s Coke all on its own.

“Just answer me as honest as you can,” Jihoon starts, looking serious, “are you okay? Do you feel like you need to talk to a professional like Coups hyung did?”

“I’m fine. It’s nothing like that,” he says, equally serious. None of them took mental health issues lightly before, but when it’s right there in their own household, they had to learn that they’re not invincible. They have to look out for signs among each other so they know to get help as early as they can.

“Okay. I just want to make sure.” Jihoon nods. “I read that depression affects memory, and you’ve been very forgetful today.”

Soonyoung feels the corners of his lips lift. “I’m fine,” he says again, because they need to hear it. “Maybe I just had a bad sleep.”

Jihoon nods again, eyes forward to where Mingyu and Seungkwan are bickering about the exact name of a particular shade of green on Jeonghan’s shirt.

For the rest of the day, Jihoon gives Soonyoung a free pass on basically everything. When he opens another can of Coke in their next location for an interview, he lets Soonyoung take a gulp before he even takes a sip. When Soonyoung jokes about taking a selca together because their stylist accidentally gave them matching denim jackets, Jihoon actually lets him with _zero_ complaints. Soonyoung feels like he’s still dreaming.

“All I’m saying is royalty on earth in this day and age doesn’t make sense. What’s their actual purpose? Societies are fighting for equity and justice every single day; the concept of royalties who believe they are powerful because of God’s grace alone and demand that people basically pay for their entire existence is absurd,” Minghao tells Soonyoung in an impassioned monologue. “And not everyone believes in a god anyway.”

As par for the course, Soonyoung has absolutely no idea when they started talking about royalty. He can swear they were talking about zombies before he saw Jihoon throwing his head back on a laugh from across the table.

Seungcheol decided after their last schedule that the boys deserve a treat after a week of grueling hours and treated them with dinner. Plates of raw pork bellies are all over the long row of tables they lined up and conversations flow freely.

Hence the zombie-royalty situation that Soonyoung is supposed to be a part of. He tries to engage, maybe contribute to the conversation about the bits of episodes he watched from _sageuk_ dramas, but ultimately decides that he’s too hungry to pretend he’ll be able to follow a dialog about kings and queens and why they have no place in modern societies.

“Want more water, Hoshi?” Jihoon asks him, a small smile still playing on his lips after Junhui did a Spongebob impersonation that made him laugh.

“Actually, babe, can I have more meat, please?” he directs to Jihoon. “Thank you,” he adds hastily after Jihoon throws him an alarmed gape.

“Does hyung have a death wish or something?” he vaguely hears Chan mutter to Hansol. He surveys the other boys and sees them looking at him and Jihoon with varying degrees of anticipation and horror. Honestly, he just wants more meat.

“I just want more meat, please?” he says weakly.

“Why are you calling Woozi _babe_ , Hoshi?” Jeonghan asks, a mischievous snicker already starting to shape on his face. “Are we missing something?”

Joshua, smelling an opportunity to cause trouble with Jeonghan, follows that up with a smirk, “Yeah, Hoshi, do you want to share something with the class?”

A half-hearted retort forms in Soonyoung’s throat, but then he looks at Jihoon, who is still looking at him but without the initial apprehension. He’s just looking.

And suddenly everything makes sense. Memories that never happened in reality start rushing in Soonyoung’s thoughts, reminding him of the dream that made him feel so content, so cared for—

So _loved_.

He dreamt of Jihoon and dream-Jihoon made him feel so safe and comfortable and at-home that he woke up trailing the ghost of it by following real-Jihoon around. Unconsciously craving for the affection and the touches and the emotion that comes with them.

Yeah. He does have a death wish, alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm supposed to be working but here I am updating a fic :-) Thank you for reading! 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung thinks about his preferences. A little bit of that and other things.

“Ayy!” Soonyoung whines with a smile he forced on his face. “Is it better if I call him _honey_ instead? _Sweetheart_?” He can imagine the nasty death he’s bound to be subjected to, but he can’t stop. As if his brain decided that if he’s going to put his foot in his mouth, then through hell and high water, he will shove it in there spectacularly.

He tilts his head playfully and makes eyes at Jihoon. The final nail to his coffin, and all that.

“You’re really not going to stop?” Seungkwan mutters next to him, equal parts astonished at his guts and scared for his well-being. Seungkwan tries to get him to stop making an ass of himself while checking if Jihoon is about to lunge across the table and wrap his hands around Soonyoung’s neck.

Jihoon hangs his head down and the table holds its breath.

And then. He picks up his chopsticks and serves Soonyoung more meat.

Before the table can fully relax, Soonyoung gushes, “Thank you, honey.” _God_ , why is he like this.

“For fuck’s sake,” Wonwoo breathes out with feeling.

Jihoon laughs.

Amazingly, Jihoon holds the decision that Soonyoung showering him with terms of endearment is amusing rather than a cause for his untimely demise. All the members are as confused as Soonyoung, but not one of them dares to question it.

Soonyoung, meanwhile, metaphorically digs inside his brain and looks for the reason why he had that dream that started all this trouble. He can admit that he has never had much thought spared for his sexuality. He knows it’s not fair and downright archaic to automatically assume that a person is heterosexual, but he personally just never had the inclination to assume he’s gay and be attracted to the same sex. Has he ever considered Jihoon as the epitome of what a lifelong partner should be, with his vocal boss inclinations and handsome face and ripped body and subtly caring nature? Sure, but all of the boys have their own charm that makes them perfect partners in their own rights, and he’s never had this kind of thought about any of them. So why is he starting now? What makes Jihoon—

“Hey.” Jihoon nudges his side with his cellphone. “You want some corndogs? I’m asking Manager Jeon to get some for me.”

“Just let me have a bite or two from yours,” he replies without breaking from his stretches.

“Man, I’m asking you right now so I won’t have to share with you later. Do you want one or not.”

Soonyoung stands straight so he can wail better. “But I just want one bite, I don’t want to finish a whole corndog.”

Jihoon starts texting. “I’ll just tell Manager Jeon to get you one.”

“No,” he whines, reaching for the phone. Jihoon backs away from him but Soonyoung doesn’t stop trying to reach for his phone until they’re both running around the practice room, yelling about corndogs.

“Up and at ‘em, Performance King!”

“Ugh,” Soonyoung groans, _rightfully_ , given that he’s being woken up at ass-o’clock in the morning by a human-sized hurricane that should not have the amount of energy at this time of the day. “Man, nobody calls me that. No one ever.”

“I do! And how dare you call me a _nobody_? Who gave you the right? Huh?” Jihoon _annoyingly_ nudges his side with his fingers. “Huh? Come on, square up.”

“What do you want,” Soonyoung unenthusiastically murmured, expecting to fall asleep before Jihoon replies.

Jihoon nudges his side again. “What do you think?”

“I’m not working out with you today.” Soonyoung buries his head under his pillows. “’m too tired.”

He feels the dip of the mattress on his side before the fingers that play with his hair. “Yeah?”

He grumbles, willing himself to go back to the state of unconsciousness that he was enjoying just five minutes ago, even as he feels his body draw tight with every movement on his hair.

“Are you absolutely sure you don’t want to engage in hours of physical activity with me? There will be lots of grunting and sweating and pounding—”

Out of _literally nowhere_ , Soonyoung’s brain supplies him with a steady imagery of Jihoon, shirtless and skin glinting with sweat, muscles flexing due to exertion. His chest. His back. His abs.

His _fucking thighs_ wedging against the sides of Soonyoung’s head.

That mental image shoots Soonyoung out of his bed in a single second. _What in the actual hell is happening to his brain, what the_ fuck.

He grabs the tracksuit he prepared the night before and speed walks his way to the bathroom to change, Jihoon’s cackles following him.

Soonyoung is still smarting about waking up so unnecessarily early, but he’s mostly contemplating about the possibility of hearing things when you don’t get enough sleep. He’s been in the stationary bike for over twenty minutes, under the guise of warming up, when in reality he’s just thinking if Jihoon ever made any suggestive comments directed to him in the past years of their friendship. He’s pretty sure Jihoon didn’t talk to him for two whole weeks when he made a dirty joke in year three of them knowing each other.

Across the room, Jihoon is doing his lunges while holding a kettle bell in each hand. His face is focused, facing forward and not looking at Soonyoung. Soonyoung slowly stops pretending to work out and just watches him. They haven’t been in the gym for more than thirty minutes, but Jihoon’s white shirt is already clinging to his chest and back because of sweat, and Soonyoung gulps. He really has a well-defined body. Soonyoung can curse his decision to work out during unreasonable hours to hell and back, but he can absolutely support the results. Sluggishly, his eyes drift down to his thighs, shining and sinewy and getting closer and possibly capable of wrecking—

“Like what you see?”

“What?” Soonyoung tries to project a face of amused confusion rather than embarrassment from being caught checking out his _friend_. “I wasn’t looking at you.”

Jihoon smirks. “You mean you’re not looking at my shorts? I just bought this from that brand you like.”

“Are you going to give it to me?”

Jihoon smiles sweetly. “Hell no.”

Soonyoung curls his lips in a pout. “You’re such a tease.”

That earns him a laugh and a slap on his arm. “Stop pretending to warm up and spot me.”

Mingyu is showing Soonyoung how he edits his photos through a mobile app when he sees Jihoon munching on a bowl of popcorn. They’re in a studio for a Twitter Blueroom Live, he didn’t even know they have popcorn in here. But seeing Jihoon reminds him of this morning.

“Hey, Mingyu.” It’s probably not a good idea to bring this up, but once his head starts thinking about it, he needs to say it. “Did Woozi ever make a suggestive comment to you or to any other members?”

Mingyu’s lips purse, unconsciously pouting as he thinks about it. “Suggestive how? He’s always direct, right?”

“Suggestive like,” Soonyoung flails his arms around to try to explain what he means, “like he’s saying something normal, but he actually means to say something sexual.” There. That’s a good explanation.

Mingyu’s look of confusion turns to mortification in record time. “Why would he ever make a sexual comment to me or to any other member? He’s literally our _hyung_! He’s like our real older brother!”

“I meant like as a joke!”

Mingyu shakes his head. “Still no! Why are you asking me this!”

“Okay,” Soonyoung says, mostly to calm Mingyu down. “It was just a random thought! No particular reason.” He nods, like that’s going to diffuse the situation.

“I’m going to go to Wonwoo and tell him what you asked me so he can tell you just how much of a bad idea it is.”

Soonyoung sighs. “You go do that.”

“Hey.”

Soonyoung chugs the last of the water in his glass. It’s maybe two in the morning, he’s not really sure. He woke up with a dry mouth and now he’s in the kitchen, holding an empty glass and facing a serious-looking Jihoon. “Hey,” he says back.

Jihoon simply purses his lips in a straight line, like a grimace pretending to be a smile, while he presses his knuckles on the counter beside him. “Mingyu told me what you asked him earlier.”

“Oh.” Soonyoung should just live with every intrusive thought in his brain instead of blurting them out for no reason. “What about it?”

“I’m guessing you were thinking about this morning?” Jihoon’s statement raising in the end. “About what I said—or, like, how I described working out.”

“It’s not your fault working out sounds evocative in its own, Jihoon,” Soonyoung defends him softly, the other’s real name slipping out effortlessly.

Firmly, Jihoon says, “Don’t make excuses for me. I’m sorry if what I said made you uncomfortable, please don’t defend what I did. It was inappropriate and I’ll stop.”

Soonyoung reaches out to grip Jihoon’s wrist. A part of him knows he did it, but if pressed, he won’t be able to tell anybody _why_ he’s doing it. “I wasn’t uncomfortable. It wasn’t inappropriate, not between us.”

“Still. I’m sorry, I thought we were playing gay chicken or something.” Jihoon shakes his head, but he still lets Soonyoung hold his wrist. “It’s not an excuse, I just. I thought we were playing some form of gay chicken with you calling me _babe_ and _honey_ and _sweetheart_. I’m sorry.”

Soonyoung squeezes the hold he has on Jihoon. “Please stop apologizing. It’s really okay.”

“It’s not. Straight up suggestive comments are not the same as terms of endearment.”

“Well, if they’re both unsolicited, then there’s no difference, is there?” Soonyoung stops breathing. He never really apologized for that. “I’m sorry about calling you those without asking first. Even if they’re jokes, I’m sorry. It must have made you uncomfortable. I won’t do it again, promise.”

“It didn’t make me uncomfortable. You can keep doing it.” Jihoon looks him in the eyes. “As a joke.”

 _Right, as a joke_. “Right. Well.” Soonyoung scratches the back of his head with the hand not holding Jihoon. “I really wasn’t uncomfortable. I just asked Mingyu that because I wanted to know if you were joking around with the other members like that. Because I was curious.”

“Okay. I’m still sorry.”

“Please stop. It was okay. You can even keep doing it.” Soonyoung bites the inside of this cheek. “Also as a joke.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung asks around, which turns out to be completely unhelpful.

“Guys, let’s go home,” Soonyoung whines to the void, head tilting from side to side on the back of the couch in Jihoon’s studio. “It’s way past our bedtime.”

Neither Jihoon nor Hansol looks at him, who are both bent down to the soundboard, discussing what instruments are best for a melody that Hansol has in mind. Hansol, however, does whisper to Jihoon: “We have a bedtime?”

Jihoon shrugs at Hansol and seamlessly goes back to whatever he’s explaining.

To be honest, Soonyoung doesn’t expect to be given any ounce of attention, not when Jihoon is this focused and completely in the zone, as he says it sometimes. He’s always liked watching Jihoon while immersed in the process of making music, one reason being Jihoon doesn’t have the capacity to notice that Soonyoung is watching him, and another because he just looks so damn attractive while effortlessly creating God’s gift on earth wrapped in a beautiful melody and heart-wrenching lyrics.

“Aren’t you both tired?”

Jihoon finally spares him a glance. “You know nobody is holding you hostage here, right? You want me to call you a car?”

Soonyoung groans just to be difficult. He doesn’t actually want Jihoon to call him a car and go back on his own. He wants to go home with Jihoon. If Jihoon doesn’t want to stop working, then Soonyoung wants to watch him work. But he’s tired, bones and muscles aching from an intense choreography he’s been trying to complete. He wants to go home and sleep, but he wants to do it where he can feel Jihoon next to him.

Yeah, so Soonyoung might have a massive crush developing for Jihoon. This is not a problem.

The massive crush that Soonyoung has on Jihoon is definitely fully developed and is becoming a problem.

Logically, he knows that they have always been close even before The Dream, but now that he acknowledged the feelings that emerged after that, he can’t stop obsessing over every interaction they have, every banter they exchange, every bit of touch that Jihoon lets him have. Trying to look for clues whether Jihoon likes him back.

“Do you think Woozi likes me?”

Seokmin spits the soymilk he was drinking right at Soonyoung’s face. They both look at each other in mild shock even as Soonyoung feels soymilk droop from his eyelashes.

After Seokmin helpfully and apologetically wipes down the soymilk off of Soonyoung’s face with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, he asks, “Should I forget you asked me that?”

“What? Why? I want you to answer it as honestly as you can,” Soonyoung tells him earnestly. Why would he want Seokmin to forget it without answering?

“Are you okay?” Seokmin asks him _instead of answering_ , “Did something happen?”

“Nothing, why?”

“It’s just.” Seokmin shifts in his seat in their dining area that looks more like a storage area than any place suitable for meals. “You’ve been following Woozi hyung around more than you usually do, and if you’re not attached to his hip you look like… I don’t really know how to explain how you look at him but it’s intense.”

Soonyoung straightens in his seat. He didn’t notice that anybody else noticed that. “Really? So it’s obvious that I like him?”

“You like Woozi hyung!?” Seokmin blurts out. At least he swallowed the soymilk in his mouth before he did.

“I thought that’s what you’re getting at!”

“No! I thought you thought Woozi hyung likes you so you’re following him around to confirm!”

“So you think Woozi likes me? Why? Did you notice anything?” With every sentence, Soonyoung leans in closer to Seokmin. And with every sentence, Seokmin looks closer to just bolting away from Soonyoung.

But because he’s Seokmin and the kindest and most accommodating man that Soonyoung has ever had the pleasure of knowing, he just giggles nervously and gently pushed Soonyoung away from his face. “Well.” He scratches the side of his head as he looks up and thinks about it. “I noticed that he looks at you intensely? Like the way you do to him but different?” he says, unsure. Soonyoung nods at him enthusiastically to continue. “And also, he touches you a lot, right? I don’t think hyung is like that with us. Like, he lets me hug him when I want to, but he doesn’t initiate any little touches with us like he does with you.” Seokmin tilts his head. “He’s not like that before, right?”

Softly, Soonyoung says while trying to process that, “Yeah.” Then, he remembers the conversation they had in the kitchen the other night. “We’re playing gay chicken though, so maybe that’s why.”

Seokmin looks at him dubiously. “Gay chicken?”

“Yeah. We do gay stuff and the first one who caves loses.” He thinks that’s how they’re playing it. No one’s caving so far. “We’re just starting so it’s just little touches and suggestive comments and stuff.”

“And you both plan to… do more gay stuff… for the sake of playing it?” Seokmin asks him with zero judgment but tons of wariness.

Soonyoung shrugs. He’s certainly not opposed to doing more gay stuff. Maybe not in the name of gay chicken, though.

“Gay chicken sounds subtly homoerotic to me, hyung.”

Soonyoung purses his lips in thought. “It does, doesn’t it.”

After that conversation, Soonyoung lets Seokmin drag him to a midnight cinema playing a comedy movie he’s been itching to watch. Seokmin deserves it after basically hearing one of his brothers tell him he’s doing—and willing to do more—gay stuff with another one of his brothers. It’s like vicarious incest or something. Soonyoung positively feels sorry about it that he even pays for their tickets.

When they come back, Seokmin thanks him and goes straight to bed. Soonyoung isn’t surprised to see Hansol still up and working on a track in his laptop and portable soundboard, though, one side of his headphones resting just behind his ear.

Even after basically scarring two of their members because of his massive crush on Jihoon, he still can’t seem to stop himself from finding answers by blabbering his big mouth to other members. He thinks Hansol is very worldly and can help him figure some things out.

“Hey, Hansol.” He sits on the foot of Hansol’s bed, shifting to find a comfortable position while Hansol glances at him before looking back down to his laptop. “Can I bother you in this one fine evening?”

Hansol doesn’t even spare him a look this time as he mumbles, “Is it about Woozi hyung?”

Soonyoung splutters for two seconds, torn between defending himself and denying that he’s about to talk about Woozi, before he remembers that he seriously has no shame about harboring his feelings before and is not about to start having it now. “Yeah, definitely about Woozi. How did you know?”

“I have my ways.”

“Did Seokmin or Mingyu tell you?”

“Wonwoo hyung warned me.” Hansol throws him a warning stare, as if to say _tread lightly, hyung_. “He says you might ask each one of us about something uncomfortable and be unapologetic about it.”

“He warned you about me asking around about Woozi?” Soonyoung asks, his eyes narrowing. That Wonwoo guy knows too much, and Soonyoung hasn’t even gotten around to asking him yet!

“I just assumed that part.”

Oh. Well, Soonyoung called it. Hansol really is very worldly, so observant that he noticed even though Soonyoung has been totally stealth about his feelings.

“You’ve been very obvious about Woozi hyung lately.”

Okay, so he hasn’t been as stealth as he thought. “Anyway.”

Before he can even add anything more than that, Hansol holds out a hand in front of his face. He shakes his head. “Hyung. You know I’m chill about anything you want to talk about. But if you’re looking for advice about your love life, I might not be the perfect person to consult, you know?”

Soonyoung closes his mouth that was frozen to when he was about to start his line of questioning. He thinks about how Hansol and Seungkwan are with each other, how Seungkwan looks and acts and pines, and how Hansol reacts like all those things about Seungkwan are normal platonic best friend behavior.

Maybe Hansol is right about not being the perfect person for this. “Right,” he says, because what else can he say. But then again he really can’t let this go. “But from an unbiased perspective, would you say Woozi has been acting different around me lately?”

Hansol promptly gives him a disbelieving look for some reason. “I wouldn’t say he’s been acting _differently_ around you lately, per se,” Hansol responds pointedly, like he thinks Soonyoung can pick up what he’s putting down. “You know?” he adds.

Soonyoung doesn’t know.

“Who hasn’t been acting differently around Hoshi lately?” Soonyoung comically jumps in his seat when Jihoon saunters in the room holding a liter bottle of Coke in one hand and three burgers in the other. Soonyoung shifts his legs to make room for Jihoon on the bed after he gets kicked in the shin.

Soonyoung is not answering that question, by the way. “You also got us burgers?”

Jihoon releases a big hearty laugh. “Don’t joke around.”

Hansol rolls his eyes when Jihoon lets Soonyoung finish half of one of his burgers anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For instance, when he woke up this morning, he was planning to go to the practice room and see how the dance routine that’s been playing in his head for days translates when applied with music. He’s got it scheduled and everything, but then Jihoon comes out of the bathroom, scratching his damn stomach lined with flexed muscles, yawning and mumbling about wanting to get breakfast while the morning glow of the sun pierces through the sheer curtain that Mingyu taped above the window and lights up his face, softening his features and—
> 
> Soonyoung’s brain scratches to a halt, like a broken record.
> 
> He thinks, _I’m so fucking in love with you_.
> 
> And then a second later, _I’m going to tell you I love you_.
> 
> Or, here we are, folks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm pretty sure the chapter summary is not a spoiler considering this is the only path we're ever supposed to take. that's the endgame we have no other choice
> 
> thank you for coming back here ✨ i didn't update last week due to the Situation which was really upsetting for the following reasons:  
> 1\. that it could be true and that the sweet sweet human we know might be a farce and not the type of person we were presented with;  
> 2\. that it could be NOT true and that a sweet sweet human has to endure public lashing because of malicious rumors (and for what!);  
> 3\. people have so much to say despite not knowing what really happened
> 
> okay that's all have fun reading!!!

Soonyoung knows that, over the years, Jihoon has gained the reputation as the terrifying surly giant music genius-slash-god trapped in a five-something human body. He also knows that one of the reasons behind that is because of how Jihoon basically dies a little bit inside every time he gets the occasional requests to do _aegyo_ and the looks of pain when it’s Soonyoung willingly doing _aegyo_ _for_ _him_ in public. But right now, in this exact moment, as he watches Jihoon smile at a child telling him a story while another child sits on his lap, Soonyoung thinks the world should see more of this side of Jihoon—gentle and caring.

They don’t always have time to celebrate their birthdays properly, but when Jihoon heard that they get to take the day off right on the day of his birth, Soonyoung saw the way his eyes lit up as he grabs his phone from his pocket.

Turns out he was scheduling a visit in an orphanage in a nearby city. Which brings them to the present. With Soonyoung trying his hardest not to coo or croon at Jihoon’s feet, surrounded by children who seem to be too comfortable with him for a first visit.

“Oh, it’s not his first time here.” _Why_ does Soonyoung keep conveniently forgetting that they’re here with Junhui, who insisted he wanted to come with because apparently spending a day off inside the dorms is stifling his creative energies and spending it with youthful children is more than enough to fuel his inner child. It’s not that Soonyoung didn’t want him to come, all he’s saying is that he could have spent an entire day with just Jihoon and children, but now he’s stuck with Not Jihoon.

He hisses, “Why are you springing up out of nowhere, man. And what do you mean?” Soonyoung’s eyes widen in realization: “Did you hear my thoughts?”

Junhui looks at him in horror. “I hope to never have the ability to do that. You were talking out loud, you punk!”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. And Woozi has been here before. When we get to take breaks, he usually stops by here before going home,” Junhui informs him casually, as if Soonyoung isn’t mentally recalibrating everything he has known about the ways in which Jihoon spends his time when he’s not within his immediate vicinity.

Soonyoung watches dubiously as Junhui continues to braid two little girl’s hair together, like two cute and completely not-horror-movie-like human centipedes. “And you know this… why exactly?”

Junhui shrugs, accidentally pulling the hair of the two girls, who just giggle and shriek at him. He chortles before replying, “He lets me come with him sometimes! You know, when we have long enough breaks for you guys to come home, but not long enough for international flights.”

“Oh,” he says again, softer. Jihoon continues to play with more than three children at once, one boy clinging to his back while two others stepping on the tops of his feet as he walks. “That’s really nice of him.”

“You know how he is. Soft as a marshmallow!”

Before Soonyoung can say anything more than a weak agreement, Jihoon calls for him, “Hoshi! Come show these kids how a tiger should growl!”

And Soonyoung has never noticed this before, but when Jihoon calls for him, the whole world stops.

Soonyoung believes that people should be flexible based on their environment and the times and the people they’re surrounded with, because the world is always changing and it’s better to go with that than stick with one thing even when everything goes against it. Don’t get him wrong, he likes planning and schedules and rules, but he thinks they’re more of recommendations rather than mandatory things that has to be followed so rigidly.

For instance, when he woke up this morning, he was planning to go to the practice room and see how the dance routine that’s been playing in his head for days translates when applied with music. He’s got it scheduled and everything, but then Jihoon comes out of the bathroom, scratching his damn stomach lined with flexed muscles, yawning and mumbling about wanting to get breakfast while the morning glow of the sun pierces through the sheer curtain that Mingyu taped above the window and lights up his face, softening his features and—

Soonyoung’s brain scratches to a halt, like a broken record.

He thinks, _I’m so fucking in love with you_.

And then a second later, _I’m going to tell you I love you_.

Given that Soonyoung’s confession went through zero planning and preparations and run throughs, he knows he should not be surprised about how catastrophically _wrong_ things have been going so far. It’s not like he’s asking the universe for a perfect confession scenario, he’s just asking for a little consideration for a lovesick idiot like him to confess without members trying to insert themselves in his plans.

It doesn’t help that the object of his affection hasn’t been the most cooperative either. When Soonyoung tried to be inconspicuous and suggested that they get breakfast outside, Jihoon just patted his head and walked past him to plop on the mattress thrown together in the living room.

“I’m not going out for shit today.” Obviously, Jihoon woke up in a kind of mood this morning.

Soonyoung trudges after him and decides then and there that he won’t let pesky matters such as Jihoon waking up in the wrong side of his bed distract him from his goal today. This day will not end with Jihoon not knowing how much Soonyoung straight up _adores_ his entire existence. He sits down on the floor, his legs crossed and facing Jihoon, who’s currently trying to become one with the bedsheet—arms and legs stretched straight and facedown.

Like a deranged man poking a sleeping bear to see if he will get mauled when it wakes, Soonyoung pokes the side of Jihoon’s stomach.

“Get lost.” Jihoon doesn’t even lift his head.

Soonyoung pokes him again.

Jihoon grumbles and—quite frankly— _cutely_ burrows his face on the bed. “Let’s just order something, man.”

“We can’t,” Soonyoung grumbles back, softly, because even though Jihoon is being a moody son of a bitch, the gentleness of this morning feels too fragile to break. “The breakfast bar I want to try doesn’t do deliveries.”

“Bullshit.” Jihoon shifts so he can pillow his head above his folded arms.

Fair. Soonyoung actually doesn’t know if the breakfast bar that he wants to try doesn’t do deliveries, so that was total bullshit in his part. Who doesn’t do deliveries in this day and age? Soonyoung needs to get his head together.

Anyway.

“Please, let’s eat breakfast outside. See the sun.” Soonyoung lowers his head to the side, trying to peek into Jihoon’s little nest of arms. His voice is still close to a whisper than anything. “Get breakfast with me, Jihoon.”

At that, Jihoon’s eyes flutter and open.

And for the five beats of his pulse that their eyes meet, Soonyoung wonders if he should just ditch his plan and tell Jihoon in this very second how he makes him feel, how Soonyoung can feel his heart close to overflowing with the amount of feelings trying to break free from his chest just from this single eye contact.

But he can’t open his mouth, he probably stops thinking altogether. It’s just.

Soonyoung likes looking at Jihoon, but this—Jihoon looking back. He never realized the depth of how much he wanted to drown in the feeling of being looked at by Jihoon until it’s happening.

Soonyoung only just notices the short distance between his lips and Jihoon’s because he felt the warmth of Jihoon’s breath when he whispered, “Okay,” and then he peers at Jihoon’s eyes before looking down at his lips, wondering how it’d feel pressed against his own, opening his mouth to ask if he can—

“Hansol, let’s go!” Seungkwan yells, like a pail of ice thrown all over Soonyoung’s head.

Strangely, Soonyoung and Jihoon don’t scramble apart when Seungkwan and Hansol walk to the living room. Instead, they slowly sit up properly, Jihoon throwing a casual _hey_ to the air before returning a look to Soonyoung.

Soonyoung’s still staring at Jihoon, mostly in shock that he was so close to kissing him if nobody interrupted them. He’s not sure whether that’s a good thing or not.

Seungkwan clears his throat. “Um.” _Right_ , they’re still with company. “Did we interrupt something?”

“Are we _interrupting_ something?” Hansol rephrases, both impressive eyebrows rising close to his hairline.

Jihoon shrugs. “Soonyoung’s bugging me about going out and getting breakfast.” Soonyoung thinks he needs to get his eyes checked when he sees Jihoon giving him a small private smile. “Apparently, they don’t do deliveries in 2020.”

Hansol snickers for a second before yawning and going back to his resting cool-guy face. Seungkwan tosses Soonyoung a disbelieving look.

“Well, if you’re going out anyway,” Seungkwan addresses Jihoon, “let’s just go together! We’re going to that place with the healthy options!”

Soonyoung panics because that’s where he wants to bring Jihoon and he definitely does not want to tell Jihoon how he feels with two of their members as audience.

He’s about to yell something terribly offensive because he’s panicking, okay, when Hansol cuts him off, “Actually, Boo.” He looks at Soonyoung, _Watch it, hyung_. “I think I want to have, um, pizza instead.”

“For breakfast?” Seungkwan just moves his disbelieving look from Soonyoung to Hansol. “Won’t that be too greasy so early in the morning?”

Hansol shrugs. “Cravings are weird.”

“What if you get stomachache later? All that grease.”

“I won’t.”

“Okay,” Seungkwan says, reluctance still in his voice. “But if your stomach does ache later, don’t come whining to me, okay?”

Hansol simply nods and wraps an arm around Seungkwan’s shoulders, listening to him warn him about the dangers of eating oily food in the morning and that he won’t help Hansol later on if anything does hurt, even though all of them and their mothers know there’s no way Seungkwan can resist babying Hansol if he gets so much as a papercut.

Soonyoung watches them go and shut the door to their apartment until Jihoon stands up from the mattress, stretching his arms above his head.

“Breakfast?”

Soonyoung breathes, “Please.”

Jihoon is telling Soonyoung all the other ways they can get breakfast even as they step inside the breakfast bar, Soonyoung only listening to him with half a mind while also trying to steel himself into the mindset of a man who is about to lay his deepest feelings on the feet of another person. He’s sure he can do this, but he definitely needs the universe to cooperate.

Of course, the universe is not at all obligated to humor Soonyoung and his plans, which is probably why when they finally settle on a table next to a table of three men, one of those men turns to them and says, “Fancy seeing you two here.”

Out of all the people that they both know the universe can throw into the fray, it decides to give them Yoon Jeonghan.

Now, Soonyoung loves Jeonghan as much as he loves the other boys, and he will gladly spend the rest of his life performing next to all of them, don’t get him wrong. But Jeonghan is probably the closest to a mythical enigmatic creature that Soonyoung has ever encountered; he’s one of the sweetest and most protective man he’s known and yet, to put it bluntly, also someone who passes the time watching the world burn for fun.

The sly look he focuses on Soonyoung’s face, like he knows that he knows something he has no business knowing but delights in anyway, is a proof of that. Soonyoung forces a bright smile. “Jeonghan hyung! Coups hyung! Wonwoo!” Wow, why are the other eight members not here so they can make it an official group gathering. “This is such a happy coincidence!” Soonyoung wants to cry and bolt it out of there.

Jihoon snickers and elbows him, before turning to the others. “Hello.”

Seungcheol nods at them. “If you’re eating here, join us. What’s the point of sitting at a different table when we’re all here.”

There’s a cold smile frozen on Soonyoung’s face. He can feel it, but he can’t do anything about it. “Uh.”

Jihoon shrugs and holds him on the elbow, probably rightfully guessing that Soonyoung will stubbornly stand there until the others finish eating so they can get some semblance of privacy if he has to.

“We were just about to order,” Wonwoo tells them as they settle down in the available seats, “what are you both getting?”

“Right, let’s order!” Jeonghan says enthusiastically, elbowing Soonyoung playfully, as if challenging him to say anything that disagrees with Seungcheol. They both know Soonyoung won’t do that, because doing so means explaining and explaining to their members that he wants to confess to Jihoon in this supposedly bright morning before he actually does is _not_ even in the list of things he wants to do ever. Soonyoung deeply regrets sitting next to Jeonghan.

So, he elbows Jeonghan back, lets out the fakest guffaw he can muster, and listens as Jihoon orders for him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung shoots his shot and, well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please check the tags because i update those every chapter! welcome back! please tell me what you think about this chapter i thrive on feedback!

Soonyoung is absent-mindedly picking at the sundried tomatoes scattered in his salad bowl before moving it to Jihoon’s while thinking of other opportunities to confess within the day. There’s no doubt in his brain that he will spend the rest of the day looking for ways to speak with Jihoon _alone_ ; if it’s not happening in the course of this breakfast, it will eventually have to happen sometime later.

Jihoon places his mushrooms on top of Soonyoung’s salad. “I think it’s still funny that you confessed to Jeonghan hyung over _odeng_ and _soju_.”

Pause. Who confessed to who? “What?” he asks Jihoon.

Jihoon gives him a funny look and doesn’t even answer his question. He just forks a piece of lettuce in his own mouth.

Wonwoo takes pity on Soonyoung. “He meant Coups hyung. You know, when he first told Jeonghan hyung that they should date.”

“Ah, right.” He nods before taking a sip of water. That’s so Seungcheol.

Four men groan in unison when Soonyoung splutters in realization and spits his damn water. “What the _fuck_?!”

“Gross, Hoshi.” Jeonghan shakes his head in disappointment. “Spitting and cursing at us before it’s even nine in the morning? I’m so telling Dad. Yours, specifically.”

Soonyoung absolutely cannot believe this. “You told Jeonghan hyung you liked him?!” he demands from Seungcheol.

“You have a problem with that?” Seungcheol demands back. “And what’s wrong about confessing over _odeng_ and _soju_ anyway? I was being spontaneous.”

Soonyoung still can’t follow. Seungcheol told Jeonghan he liked him—the issue here isn’t the fact that he did it over food (what’s wrong about it, indeed), the issue here is this is definitely news for Soonyoung. The conversation goes on around him though, completely unaware that Soonyoung is as lost as can be. He turns to Jihoon.

He whispers, “Jeonghan hyung rejected Coups hyung but they’re still friends?”

Jihoon gives him a funny look. “Jeonghan hyung didn’t reject Coups hyung, what are you talking about?”

Soonyoung stares. “What does that mean?”

“It means they’re together.” Jihoon chuckles, like he thinks Soonyoung is trying to be funny. And then he actually looks at Soonyoung and realizes at the same time that Soonyoung realizes what that means, that Soonyoung has no idea what’s going on. “Did you really not know?”

“What doesn’t he know?” Seungcheol asks Jihoon, “We’re eating together but you’re just having your own conversation over there.”

Soonyoung giggles, more than well aware that giggling is not what he actually wants to do. “Woozi is telling me you and Jeonghan hyung are together.” He giggles in a higher pitch.

Wonwoo laughs at him. “You’re such an idiot.”

“Hyung, you honestly, really, didn’t know Coups hyung and Jeonghan hyung are dating? _Really_?” Dino asks, maybe for the third time, or tenth, in the last hour after Jeonghan held an emergency group meeting just to officially announce their relationship before the Performance Team has to record in Jihoon’s studio, just in case any other member has been living under a rock in the past four years.

“All I’m saying is if they officially announced it earlier, I would have known it before this morning.” Soonyoung grumbles, pouting and pulling his legs closer to his chest. Jihoon snickers from his chair in front of the soundboard. “Although,” he says, pensive, “they didn’t actually have to tell us, right? Since that’s their personal business. I guess I’m just grateful that they did.”

“Coups hyung always says they don’t try to hide it in front of us because they trust us.” Minghao shares, fiddling with one of the toys in the studio. “Which is why it’s so bizarre that you didn’t know. They’re always kissing and holding hands.” Minghao looks a little like a man who has seen too much in one lifetime when he says it.

Before Soonyoung can grumble some more and pout his way out of the conversation, Junhui butts in, “How will he see that? He’s always too busy watching Woozi to notice anything else.” He doesn’t even bother to lift his head from his phone.

“No one asked for your input.” Soonyoung knows he’s being petty, but he still hasn’t gotten over the fact that Junhui knew something about Jihoon that he doesn’t. And now he’s just gloating about another thing. “You wanna fight?”

Junhui taunts under his breath, finally looking at Soonyoung, “Look at him getting brave.” He turns to Jihoon. “Woozi, Hoshi wants to fight inside your studio.”

“Tell him that if he breaks any of the stuff inside this studio, he will have to record in the dorms because he will never be allowed in here again.”

“Hey,” Soonyoung whines. “That’s not fair, I wasn’t doing anything!”

Jihoon turns his chair to face the couch, where all four of them are lounging while waiting for Jihoon’s signal that one of them can enter the booth. “Who wants to go first? You can go back to the dorms once you’re done.”

Soonyoung pouts loudly. Jihoon looks at him, reluctantly impressed that he can be as annoying as he is. “You want to go first, Hoshi?”

“No chance.”

“Right. Dino, go in. We’ll let your leader sulk and go last.”

“Come to think of it, we can do a concert with only just one song. We can do a _ment_ in the beginning and after the song, and the concert is done. It’s just one more way for us to surpass our past records. When have we ever done something like that?”

“I’m not writing a 160-minute song, Hoshi. Stop going on about it,” Jihoon tells Soonyoung with the patience of a man who has to live with him for more or less a decade, which is a lot. “Why are you even bothering me with this?”

Good question. Soonyoung will absolutely not say it’s because he’s still a tiny little bit shaken with the news about his two hyungs dating for four years without him knowing, apparently. The shock isn’t coming from the fact that they’re not as heterosexual as has been widely believed, or that they’re dating each other, even. It’s the fact that they’ve both been so obvious about it, but Soonyoung never even noticed.

And if he’s taking Junhui’s word for anything, it’s because he’s been too busy with setting his eyes and his attention and his everything else on Jihoon.

It is also possible that Soonyoung is just nervous, because for the whole day that he has been trying to get Jihoon alone, they’re finally without any company. It’s just the two of them in the studio, Jihoon doing some final touch up in the recording they did earlier and Soonyoung massaging his shoulders while simultaneously spouting some random bullshit request. He doesn’t even remember if he’s ever heard of a 160-minute song himself.

He’s not chickening out of a confession, okay. It’s just that after anticipating for this moment nonstop for the whole day, now that it’s here, he can’t seem to let himself do it. Unsure of what the other side of this is going to be.

Soonyoung is too focused in his own thoughts that he starts a little when he hears the chime signaling Jihoon’s computer shutting down. “Oh. You’re done?”

Jihoon turns his chair and gives Soonyoung a pointed look. “Yeah, and unless you’ve finally decided to tell me what you’ve been wanting to tell me the whole day, we’re going home.”

Soonyoung’s eyes widen, just a tiny bit shocked that apparently, he’s still as obvious as Minghao’s neon green jumpsuit when it comes to Jihoon. “I would deny that I have something I want to tell you, but I also don’t wanna do that.” He heaves in a deep breath. “Jihoon, I like you.

“Actually, I think I might have been liking you all these years? And I never realized until now because there was never a time that I did _not_ like you. I thought looking at you and thinking _you’re the most beautiful person I ever saw_ is normal. I thought hearing you sing and thinking _you’re the best part that ever happened to me_ is something that people think about their friends. But it’s not.”

Soonyoung lowers himself in front of Jihoon, keeping the eye contact because there’s just no way he’ll be able to take his eyes off Jihoon from this moment onwards, holding out a hand on Jihoon’s knee for support.

A little touch to ground himself.

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon whispers, serious and steady. He’s not stopping Soonyoung, so he carries on.

“This is probably not a surprise for you, because I’ve been told I’m always an open book when it comes to you, but I also think you still deserve to hear it straight from my mouth that I like you. That you make me feel things that only you can make me feel.” Soonyoung smiles, feeling something in his guts—not quite confidence, but the knowledge that this is it, he’s telling the most amazing person outside his parents what he thinks about their existence—spurning him on. “You might not have noticed, because there’s no particular way you act that made me feel it, but you make me feel safe, and protected, and taken care of. You make me feel like I can float thirty thousand feet in the air but I’ll still be able to come back down because you’ll be there with a string tied to my feet, ready to pull me down.”

Soonyoung pauses when Jihoon huffs out a small breath, as if he’s too out of breath to properly laugh. “You don’t need anyone to ground you,” Jihoon tells him, mirroring his soft voice.

“I know,” Soonyoung answers, matter-of-factly. “Which makes it better. You know that I don’t need you to feel any of those things, but you do things that make me feel them anyway; what you do to me isn’t a reaction to whatever you think I need from you. It’s just you being there and existing and being amazing. And I like that. I like you. Actually, I _love_ —"

Jihoon stands so abruptly that Soonyoung startles, unable to stop before he ends up sprawled on the floor.

“Jihoon?” He’s so dazed he forgets to right himself, looking up at Jihoon.

That gets Jihoon moving, he says, “Sorry,” before rushing to help Soonyoung up and dragging him to the couch.

They sit, facing each other. Soonyoung feels a flock of butterflies holding a party inside his guts, doesn’t notice when that started, but right now, Jihoon is looking at him, serious and steady, and he vaguely realizes that they’re going to have A Serious Talk. They will talk about the future, what happens now, what happens with _them_ —

“This can’t happen,” he thinks he hears Jihoon say. But that can’t be right. His Jihoon won’t deny what they have, what they have the potential to become.

“What?” He laughs a little, amused at his own faulty ears. This is such a bad time to mishear anything. “I thought I heard you say this can’t happen. What did you actually say?”

“Please don’t make this hard,” Jihoon tells him instead. Pleads.

“What are you saying?”

Jihoon extends a hand and gingerly places it on Soonyoung’s cheek, like he intends that to placate the thundering of Soonyoung’s heart when the look on his face says that all he intends to do is break it.

Because that’s not a look of someone who’s happy to receive a confession. Jihoon looks regretful, and before Soonyoung has a chance to deny what he already knows, Jihoon continues, “I’m guessing what you want to happen is for us to date, isn’t it?”

Soonyoung feels numb, and isn’t that ironic. How does one feel the sensation of not having a feeling? He doesn’t know how he responds, but he probably nods because Jihoon lowers his hand from Soonyoung’s cheek and enclosed Soonyoung’s hand with both of his.

“That can’t happen with us.” Jihoon gives him a bittersweet smile. “You and I, we’re too similar. We’re both too committed to our craft, and we both prioritize Seventeen way more than we probably should. Everything it stands for—our music, our performances, our members, they’re all more important than whatever we can selfishly want for ourselves. And being together is going to be selfish, Hoshi. It’s going to take away everything we live for.”

“Why.” Soonyoung’s voice breaks. He doesn’t even have an expectation on how this conversation would happen, but this is definitely probably the worst way it could go. He thinks he still can’t feel his face. “Is it… is it because I’m a man?”

Soonyoung still can’t feel his face, but he feels Jihoon’s hands grip his hand tighter.

“You know how this society we currently live in likes pretending to be more advanced and progressive than it actually is.” A grimace rests itself on Jihoon’s face. “Being in a relationship that is more than friendship will be more of a liability than anything.”

“What about Coups and Jeonghan hyung? You think they’re being selfish?” Soonyoung likes to think he at least demands that from Jihoon, he sounds frail and lost instead.

Jihoon reels back, and for a second Soonyoung thinks he’s about to snap and get angry, but Jihoon shakes his head and says, “I think them and us are not the same. Our wants and needs are different. They can see themselves down the line retiring and moving away and starting a different life, but I—” He heaves a lungful of air. “Hoshi. Hoshi, I can’t imagine myself doing that; I can’t imagine _you_ doing that. I can imagine you and me doing this until we can’t walk anymore. You understand, right?”

Oddly, Soonyoung does understand. “Yeah.”

Jihoon sighs, relieved maybe, because he doesn’t have to feel guilty for rejecting Soonyoung because Soonyoung does understand what he’s saying.

“You think my feelings are a burden you don’t want to carry.” Soonyoung nods, hanging his head. He can understand when he’s not wanted. He might have assumed that Jihoon might have felt the same, but that’s his fault for jumping the gun.

“Wha—”

Soonyoung pulls his hand away and hightails it out of the studio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO! what do you think 🤠

**Author's Note:**

> i live off feedback.... please... 🤲 [twitter](https://twitter.com/tagchansol) & [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.qa/tagchansol)!
> 
> also! i started a playlist for this fic (see notes above!) and i'm open for recommendations! what song feels relatable in this fic?


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